There are so many things I want to talk about regarding my life, including Nono and Emi's because we live together now. But life in general, my new years resolution was pretty much; Become healthier, do my job better and allow myself more time with people I care about and be there for them.
So far, so good! I used to be stressed over so many things and little by little, my worries have been untangled over winter, Christmas and New Year. There are some issues still, but I won't go into them right at the beginning of this post. I just wanted to say that I know it's hard to understand what's going on in my life right now, I've only entered short messages into twitter up until now and I wasn't always vocal about every detail or event. I had pretty much no one to talk to other than twitter for awhile and in the long run, spamming twitter really isn't the best way to do it.
For one, it's very spontaneous - so short, simple and quick that you don't really have a lot of time to think through what you're saying and how it might be interpreted and perhaps regreted.
Second - even though there are people that care and give you encouraging words and I really appreciate it, there are people who don't want to see negative spam floods and you can't really keep a deep and coherent conversation over twitter.
Third - it feeds my spasmatic way of doing things, because I have a deep-rooted habit of multitasking as a time saver. While multitasking and saving time is great and very useful, there are some moments where it's better to slow down - which is something I have a hard time doing once I build momentum. Writing a journal like this is a lot better for me and the length of what it is I want to say.
The things that weighed me down was basically that I was the root of a lot of responsibilities; keeping people healthy, finding a home so people wouldn't end up on the street, paying for bills, food - everything - while trying to run a campaign to raise money for Nono's surgery, helping out economically and physically in a lot of other directions at the same time with a long list of things, chores that needed to be done everyday (cooking, cleaning, shopping), plans that needed to be planned and remembered, helping Nono build a decent life around her in Sweden which requires a lot of my personal time as well, because we have to do everything together. Assure my overprotective parents that I'm not useless, feeling guilt over leaving a lot of friends behind in cities far away and then being unable to see any of them at all for months at a time. Feeling guilt over inability to help my parents or see them either or anyone I love, really. Missing them all at all times. Trying to keep everyone else happy when I was crying inside. Having no time to take care of myself when I couldn't sleep and had little to no rest inbetween work, chores and responsibilities, while being sick with heart syndromes, allergies and rehumatic issues. Those were but few things I thought about literally every waking hour. I needed to stay strong because a lot of the things depended on my ability to stand up, even when I wanted to break down and cry.
Some things that are worth mentioning that has changed;
- Emi cooks for us every now and then, so that's not just my chore anymore.
- Nono cleans the kitchen every now and then, so it's not just me anymore.
- Cleaning in general is everyones responsibility, even if it doesn't always work out.
- Emi and the twins helped out with food money when we were in dire need of it, and then more people tumbled in and helped out. I still pay for all the bills, travel expenses and food too, however, until she can get a job or some economical income.
- I had a hard time managing my own medical bills at some points last year.
- Nono's campaign money is now in my bank, before christmas we hadn't touched it at all, but there was a medical bill (Nono's x-ray) that needed to be paid for so I finally transfered them to my account. They're safely tucked away in a savings account and is only touched in emergencies.
- I got a bit of an economical push and we're no longer in an unmanageable situation.
- My contract with Mojang got updated- meaning I will receive help with finding a more permanent residence for the three of us, removing the constant worry of having to find a place to live in a city like Stockholm that has pretty much no vacancies unless you can push out shitload of cash on your own.
- The vacation gave me time to breathe out, I spent it with people I had wanted to see for a long long time. Not all of them, but the most important was that I got to go see the people that needed me the most. I care for them all.
- I got to see Mom who is always working so hard she's breaking her own body... being sick at all times with a little of everything, her health is poor but she keeps up a strong appearance, which makes it unable for her to receive any aid from the government. Because she's stubborn.
- My grandfather, who, if you've read my previous posts is terribly sick. My heart is broken but I'm doing my best to reach out to him before his days end.
- With a little less stress, my heart problems stopped re-appearing as frequently.
The result from these changes being;
I can relax a little bit more, even if I'm never relaxed entirely, I'm rather more used to being busy at all times. However, from this, I've learned to manage time very efficiently. Even if I'm at work for 9 hours or more everyday, spending half an hour every morning preparing for work and another half hour to get to work, then travelling home - I could still get everything done but at the expense of having no time for myself and poor health. That's changed slightly now, as I said, which is a progress in my new years resolution!
I found more moments to breathe out but since I'm not used to it, my body cries for stimulation. I channel that into creativity, my heart also missed the reward of creating things so I picked up a few hobbies I had no time for before. I feel like things are going to become even better with time, I was seriously in hell for awhile. All my waking hours - and the hours I was supposed to sleep during - I spent worrying and working and doing everything but anything for myself.
Nono's campaign is still up and running, but has been a bit neglected because I had a lot of other things to take care of. I don't say "us" or "we" because no matter how you look at it, trying to find yourself in an alien society while being sick is really hard for Nono, so I had to do what I could to be supportive in all ways possible. She's improved a lot though, her energy level is a lot higher, better nutrition here than she's had for a long long time, her mental health also a lot better, everythings improving for her and that relieves stress on her sickness as well. Hasn't had as much problem in awhile, still in a risk zone however and in need of surgery so we're slowly working our way there.
I'l ltalk about this more in another journal, for now, I need to go home. :>
Bye bye~
Inga kommentarer:
Skicka en kommentar