No sleep.

Got no sleep tonight, but not feeling very sleepy.
Going to work in a moment.

Most people say: "Take care of yourself before you take care of others."
And with this I agree completely. I tell people that a lot too, but I do mean it and I truly believe that you need to be at peace with yourself for that. There´s no way you can carry the burden of other people if you can´t carry your own. But what if your burden is the burden of other people? What if your personal burden is actually the sorrow of people around you that you love and people you meet and learn to care about? What if you´re so much at peace with yourself and who you are but you´re wishing you could help improve the lives of the people around you instead? I´ve come to accept that I can´t really let things go so easily and that I´m stubborn, or at least my brain is obsessive over these things. Sometimes to the point where it bothers other people. Especially when I rant about my problems, which is actually the fact that people I care about and love have problems. I mean, in the end... Really, there´s no one that can actually help me there even though it seems like I´m asking for help. The only reason I ever used twitter as my ventilation system is because I brimmed over from the feelings of helplessness, wanting to help other people that I asked for help to help them. Seriously, completely a mess. 

I feel like this also messes up my relationship with a lot of people and also with my professionalism. I´m unable to carry out a professional face outwards or to keep work strictly professional because these troubles never leave my mind. They keep circling around. in my head, everyday, 24/7. I´m quite good at channeling my feelings and most of the time I´m rather content. It´s just when I lack sleep (aka get 0-3 hours every night for days.) or when I´m physically in pain (rheumatic problems, heart syndromes, allergies.) or a mixture of both that I brim over and get emotional. Lately, it´s been a little bit too often. I need to get to work now, so I´m cutting this short but I think I may talk a little more about my grandpa or mother or the living situation with me, Nono and Emi a little bit more in another blog post.